I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
You Might Also Like
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement