I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
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[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?