Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
You Might Also Like
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
That’s what I call a flat tire
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.