What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
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He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
*updates tinder bio*
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I think we should hear other voices.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Autocarrot sucks!
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Practicing safe sax
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.