I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
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The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I’m aging like a fine banana
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.