I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
You Might Also Like
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.