I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
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I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
When someone trying to leave me
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.