“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]