I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I am, perchance
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.