i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Saw online –
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?