@iGreenMonk: I can always tell when someone is lying by tying them down and strapping them to a lie detector.
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@AlexvanBeek: Imagine how much more useful Superman would've been if he'd helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
@jergarl: [At urinal maker store] Urinal maker: Let's make some of them curved so the pee splashes on their legs LOL. Other urinal maker: K. LOL
@DaHess1: I have an outstanding credit score and even know a dude named Tanner but I'm still not white enough to drink pumpkin beer.