I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
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Swedish for common sense.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck