My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
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I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
where the womens at?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
adam and eve had first world problems
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.