If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
No Google it does not
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.