I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
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“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*mops up wine with cat*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.