I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
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I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
they finally got him. they got macavity
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
pizza
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful