*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
You Might Also Like
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.