I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
You Might Also Like
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?