me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
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[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Running from your problems is cardio .
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
#Thanos #MondayMood
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Double negatives are never not confusing.