I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
next question.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
dutch so unserious
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
hmm conte-me mais
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
We like the way Dwight thinks
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.