I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
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i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
why no one uses midhusbands
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.