I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
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Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Autocorrect completely socks
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you