I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
One venti cheeseburger please.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*Seductively hides in the woods
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
We cut our bangs at dawn.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.