i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
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Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT