I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.