Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
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Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Tell the colonel to bring it
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree