@myles_morrison: I can tell everything I need to know about your business by the thickness of your bathroom toilet paper.
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@SortaBad: We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the ¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
@omically: saying "we won" after watching a sports game is like saying "we played really well" after watching a concert
@13spencer: After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must've been really awkward.
@internetluke: [snapchat HQ] Boss: anybody got anything good? Guy (who smoked weed instead of working): people with big eyes puking rainbows?