I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Oh boy, $150,000!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
In space, no one can hear…
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.