@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@mydanimarie: Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
@lazerdoov: Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run? (Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos) Me: I have shin splints
@TheToddWilliams: [team tryouts] Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park. Jimmy: Thanks Coach! Coach: This is tennis.
@_The_Man__: I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper. You know what paper is? I yell