@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@TheCatWhisprer: [cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
@jonnysun: GOOD COP: tell us where ur boss is hiding and we'll let u go BIKE COP: [clenches fist] we woulda caught him if he hadnt climbed those stairs
@JennyPentland: I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
@panmidwest: [end of long conversation] HER: let me give you my number ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name? HER: ME: HER: k-i-m ME: