@ericsshadow: I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
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@AndrewChamings: [first day as a celebrity chef] *Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
@causticbob: 5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
@GensPlace: Spiders have it about right. If he doesn't bring her a snack when he courts her it's curtains..
@dafloydsta: [couples therapy] ME: She thinks I make bad decisions WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules