I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
You Might Also Like
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.