I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…