“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
You Might Also Like
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies