@barryjohnharper: I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can't do both.
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@Holy_Mowgli: ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh ME: whatever, I didn't like working at the aquarium anyway
@Fred_Delicious: "HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??" Me [from basement, out of breath] "what"
@Cheeseboy22: My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.
@jimmytorosian: An excerpt from my self help book, "How to Get Rich Quick" Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick The End