@barryjohnharper: I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can't do both.
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@UncleDuke1969: Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito? Me: In Alabama? S: Yeah. M: Of course not. Why do you ask? S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
@LeBearGirdle: "Hey mom can Kyle come over?" mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people's- [From outside] LOOFAS!
@novicefather: Don't be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.
@hippieswordfish: ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'