@barryjohnharper: I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can't do both.
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@flashember: [my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it's the apple monster *fun growl sounds* DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
@PetrickSara: Them: children are innocent and go to heaven Me: so you're saying Hell is child free?
@TheAlexNevil: Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone? Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?
@AndrewNadeau0: LEGOLAS: You have my bow. GIMLI: And my ax. [Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich] ME: You can have a SMALL bite.