I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.