I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Seems a bit forward
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix