Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
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I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
being a writer on Twitter:
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
6: are snakes just neck?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate