@WheelTod: I can't afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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@zoeklar: One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said "thank god his name isn't John Barbecue Sauce!"
@AudreyPorne: Winter sex: "Let's do this". *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
@PortRooster: Buddy of mine dropped some acid... Burnt a hole in the floor... He was tripping for days!
@notacroc: [Preschool] Teacher: aw what's this little guy's name? [Simultaneously] Me: laser panther Wife: Jacob