I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
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Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Who chose this font
I can’t be the only one 😂
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.