My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit