i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Every damn time
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”