I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
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Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
being a writer on Twitter:
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
A game married people play.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?