I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.