@AudreyPorne: I can't believe I shaved my toes for this
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@Brianhopecomedy: *grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor* Wife walks in: "WHAT HAPPENED?" "A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house"
@mlccm: Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
@rebeccaheckyea: 2 cats smoke catnip and lay around, discussing Plato's Allegory of the Cave. "What if the laser pointer is just a projection?"
@boring_as_heck: [dumps gatorade on coach after losing the big game] we know how much you hate gatorade you piece of shit