@AudreyPorne: I can't believe I shaved my toes for this
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@FlashShumway: Sorry man I cant come over. Im busy playing nunchucks "Dont you mean playing WITH nunchucks?" No? *tosses another nun off the overpass*
@UGotMeRight: The wife convinced me into taking her to Hawaii if she lost 20 pounds. You'd be surprised how many M&M's someone can swallow in their sleep.
@singing_ghosts: [texting in 1918] *pigeon delivers message* *msg reads: I don't love you* *turns to u* why would u send this? "it was 6 days ago. I was mad"