I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>