@YeaThanksObama: I can't believe Obama just sat back and let this happen. #ThanksObama
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@jonnysun: how to talk to a woman wearing headphones: 1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
@SoulYodeler: Signs your wife is cheating: 1. Weird cologne 2. Emotional distance 3. Late-night abences 4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
@daemonic3: 911: What's your emergency? "I put the Ford in affordable housing." 911: Are you flirting? "No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP"