“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
How animals would run if they were human
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”