I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
My daily affirmation
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family