I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
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I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.