My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
You Might Also Like
I have never heard an armadillo before.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency