I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
You Might Also Like
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Looking at you, Jesus.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Yep.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.