[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’m confused about plants
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*