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Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Sharon, call the vet
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I had to Stop for this
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.