@TheTobbie: I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it...
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@aveuaskew: You said you couldn't live without me, so it's very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
@Chloestylo: Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried? Me: You mean after I die, right?
@murrman5: *A group of cannibals eating a pie* This is amazing, what did you do different? "Well, I used fresh Barry's"