I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
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Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
how long have you had this for?
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.