i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Strangers have the best candy.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.