Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
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The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I can also cook 😂
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”