ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.